Thoughts
by it-will-be-anarchy
Summary: Ever wonder what Spottedleaf, Cinderpelt, and Sandstorm think of each other? Well, here's the thoughts of each of the she-cats who loved Firestar. They take place on the day Squirrelkit and Leafkit were born, or about that. Rated T 'cause...I dunno....
1. Spottedleaf: Why Didn't You Wait

**Well...this is...a three-shot...about, you know...what the summary said. I suppose...that's it. First up is Spottedleaf, in her POV.**

_Why?_

_Why is StarClan so cruel?_

_Medicine cats have feelings, too..._

_Why can't they have mates?_

_It wouldn't distract them from their main duty..._

_Would it?_

I stared into the pool. Firestar was laying next to Sandstorm, purring as they looked down at their two newborn she-kits.

_Those should be mine._

_Those should be ours._

Sandstorm yawned and fell asleep. Firestar delicately licked her head, then left to sort out patrols with Graystripe.

_That should be me. Sleeping in the nursery, with two kits by my side._

I snarled softly at the image. Sandstorm thought that we had come to an understanding.

I was dead.

She was alive.

I could never reach an understanding with Firestar on the line.

_What did he see in her?_

_What did he see in her, that he didn't see in me?_

_What did he see in her, that made him forget about me and move on?_

_I'd never forget about him._

_Never._

_Never._

_I would always dream of him._

_I would always think of him._

_I would always love him._

I couldn't bear to watch the happiness of Sandstorm and her two miniature, squirming kits, that were just born minutes ago.

How long it had taken for them to come.

I couldn't help it.

I loved watching Sandstorm's pain.

_It's because they should have been mine._

_You're the wrong cat._

How she nearly died, and joined me in StarClan.

Then neither of us would have had Firestar.

That would have been better than her, not me.

I had to reassure her, though. The two kits needed a mother to take care of them, since I was in StarClan.

Yes, the two kits were mine.

Just from another mother.

She needed to take care of them, so they grew up to be as beautiful and strong as Firestar.

I summoned Sandstorm to StarClan's grounds.

Sandstorm looked around, and gasped. "Am...I dead?" she asked fearfully. When I didn't answer, she wailed. "No! I can't be dead! My kits...they need a mother!"

"You're not dead," I meowed exasperatedly, then put on a sweet face. "You're not dead," I repeated. "I just want to reassure you. Don't feel angry or guilty or anything. I'm not mad. You and Firestar belong together."

"Oh." Sandstorm visibly relaxed. "Thanks," she purred. "I know you want Firestar to be happy."

_Happy._

_But not with you._

"Go and take care of your kits," I meowed, false kindness dripping off of every word. Sandstorm nodded happily, and faded.

I snarled, louder this time, and went back to the watching pool.

_Sandstorm._

_Your path will be made much harder, I can promise you that._

_Your ginger kit..._

_She will be faced with challenge after challenge, heartbreak and betrayal._

_Your tabby kit..._

_She will be a medicine cat, but forced into love._

I couldn't guarantee this.

But when a StarClan cat wants something...

Quite often, a StarClan cat can make it happen.

_What will you name them?_

_What will you call them?_

_Will you name the one Flamekit?_

_Will you name the other Stormkit?_

_Or maybe even Firekit and Sandkit._

_There's no room for Spottedkit or Leafkit anywhere._

A day passed.

I was still watching the pool.

Cinderpelt came out of the nursery.

Firestar came bounding over, and after a quick word with Cinderpelt, went inside.

I looked at the pool wryly as Cinderpelt sighed sadly.

_Sorry, Cinderpelt._

_Firestar's only got eyes for Sandstorm._

Sandstorm looked up sleepily. "I thought of names."

Firestar held his breath.

"Squirrelkit..."

I looked at the fluffy ginger one.

_Squirrelkit._

_Typical Sandstorm to think of a name like that._

"...and Leafkit."

I froze.

I looked harder into the pool.

The little light brown tabby, with the white front chest and front paws.

Leafkit?

_Leafkit?_

I knew I should feel pleased, because that's what I had wanted, but I could only feel rage toward the cat who stole my love.

_Leafkit!  
_

_How dare you name your half-filth after me!_

Firestar purred, and then they settled down together again, licking each other and their kits...

I felt like I was going to retch.

I shut down the image in the pool.

_Firestar...oh Firestar._

_Why didn't you wait for me?_

**...You can tell I'm not a FireXSpotted fan. Now, I know probably all you FireXSpotted fans are going to flame me, going, "SPOTTEDLEAF'S NOT THAT CRUEL, YOU BEEP!" But I'm sorry, you don't really know how Spottedleaf speaks when she's not around other cats, do you? It's just a fanfic. So chill.**


	2. Cinderpelt: What Would I Have Given

**Well, here's Cinderpelt's POV.**

I heard a yowl of pain.

Firestar frantically dashed into my den. "Sandstorm's having her kits!" he yowled. "Cinderpelt, come quick!"

I gathered a big jumble of herbs and looked at the sun. It was about sunhigh. I quickly raced to the nursery, where the yowls were coming agonizingly quickly.

"Will she be all right?" Firestar asked, bouncing around as I set my supplies outside the nursery. "Is she going to die? Is she going to be like Silverstream? Cinderpelt, do you know what you're doing?"

"Quiet, Firestar!" I snapped. "I know what I'm doing. Sandstorm will be fine." I winced in the fear that I was lying as a screech of pure torture erupted from the nursery.

Firestar lost his panic for a moment. "That doesn't sound like fine to me," he meowed bluntly. After a moment's pause, he screeched nearly as loudly as Sandstorm. "She's going to die! She's going to die!"

I breathed out noisily and crawled inside the den.

Ferncloud and Brightheart were busily stroking Sandstorm with their tails, as Whitekit murmured soothingly in her ear. I was amazed at how cool Whitekit seemed in this situation, and I briefly wondered if she would want to be my apprentice. But Sandstorm let out another earsplitting shriek, so I came up next to her.

"You're doing fine, Sandstorm," I meowed firmly, though I was worried about how much pain she seemed to be in. I shook the fear away. She was probably just overreacting.

The tenseness in Sandstorm's huge belly disappeared, and she croaked, "Really? This is fine? If _this _is fine, then I feel bad for the she-cats who have _hard _births!"

I felt Sandstorm's belly, which was unnaturally huge for only two moons. I was surprised when I only felt two heartbeats. I pressed a little harder, making Sandstorm gasp, but there weren't any dead ones, and the two were normal sized.

A spasm tore through her belly like a wave on the river, and Sandstorm cried out. "When will they come?"

"All in due time," I meowed softly. "Just hang in there."

"You'll be fine," Whitekit assured her. "Just think of the adorable kits you and Firestar will have. All the pain will be worth it." I gave Whitekit an astounded glance, and Whitekit shrugged.

Another huge spasm. Then they started coming faster, all abnormally huge. When they subsided, Sandstorm didn't have enough strength to yowl anymore.

"That should have brought both of them," I muttered worriedly.

A sudden thought struck me. What if this was _me_ having Firestar's kits? I tried to fight down the warm feeling that crept through my veins, at the happiness of Firestar and I being mates, and our two kits suckling at my belly...

Another spasm, and Sandstorm found her voice, bringing the loudest scream yet. "Cinderpelt!" she cried. "Help me!"

The blood started to flow.

I was taken back to Sunningrocks, when I was only Cinderpaw. Fireheart watched in horror as Graystripe yowled, "No! Silverstream!" at the dying silver tabby body. The two tiny kits weren't even strong enough to wail for milk like healthy kits did.

A grim determination set in on me.

"Whitekit," I commanded. "Fetch me plenty of cobwebs, then press them on to stop the bleeding." Whitekit nodded, and shot out of the nursery, where I heard a thump, and "Ow! Sorry, Firestar!"

Sandstorm cried out in pain as another spasm passed. They started coming faster, and the blood started coming faster, too.

"Push, Sandstorm!" I encouraged. "You have to! Do it for your kits! Do it for Firestar!"

_Do it for me, and the life I never could have had._

Sandstorm screeched until I thought I would go deaf, until a kit slid out. Brightheart snatched it up, nipped open the sac, and licked its fur the wrong way. "She-kit," she confirmed. "Looks exactly like Firestar." Normally she would have put it up against Sandstorm's belly, but I think she understood it was a bad time.

The spasms subsided, and Sandstorm seemed to notice the pool of blood growing around her. "I _am_ going to die," she meowed weakly.

"No, you're not!" Whitekit's muffled mew came from a giant ball of cobwebs, all over the little kit. Cinderpelt took the cobwebs from her and placed them by her side, waiting for the other kit.

Sandstorm let out a wail, and the spasms began tearing through her belly again.

"Push, Sandstorm!" Whitekit yowled.

Sandstorm let out a screech, so loud that I wouldn't be surprised if WindClan heard it. It held all the agony and terror that one cat could have in a lifetime. The last kit plopped to the ground, and Sandstorm slumped, barely breathing.

I passed the kit to Whitekit, who seemed to know exactly what to do. I began pressing on cobwebs frantically, ordering Ferncloud to clean up all the blood so Firestar didn't see it. Whitekit gave the kit to me, a tabby she-kit with a white front chest and front paws.

Sandstorm began breathing regularly, then croaked, "Let me see my kits." Jealousy ripped through me as I scooted them to her belly, where they simply laid, not suckling.

"Are they dead?" she breathed.

The ginger one picked up its head, let out a nearly inaudible mew, and began suckling weakly. After a few seconds, the tabby did the same.

Sandstorm sighed in relief. "My kits." Her head fell to the ground, and she began sleeping naturally.

I took off the cobwebs, and the bleeding had stopped. Blood streaked my paws, but I didn't bother to clean it off. I sat down in thought, pretending to make sure the kits were okay.

_What would I have given for these kits to be mine?_

**So, it wasn't TOO mushy like Spottedleaf, but that was because Cinderpelt never confessed her love. She kept it well-hidden, and she would never want to ruin someone's life because they took the one they loved...**


	3. Sandstorm: Are You

**And, here's Sandstorm!**

_What are you thinking right now, Cinderpelt?_

I paced back and forth, feeling the first stirrings in my belly. Ferncloud said this meant my kits were coming, but for some reason, I couldn't be worried. I kept thinking of that time when Cinderpelt and I fought, because Cinderpelt told me she loved Firestar.

_Are you wishing you were me?_

That came to Spottedleaf.

_Are you watching me right now, Spottedleaf?_

Spottedleaf still loved Firestar, I knew. I was just afraid that she wouldn't be okay with another cat being with the one she loved.

_Are you cursing StarClan, for taking you when you were so young?_

She said she just wanted Firestar to be happy, that night in SkyClan camp. I put on a great act, pretending I believed every word of it. She thought I didn't hear that last part.

"How I wish it could have been different."

_Are you both sitting right now, wondering what would have happened if _you _were having Firestar's kits?_

A twinge of pain gripped my stomach, and I let out a small cry. Ferncloud's head jerked up. "Should I fetch Cinderpelt?"

I shook my head. "Not yet."

_Are you readying your herbs, Cinderpelt, making sure you will do anything you can for Firestar's kits?_

Another twinge of pain, but I held my tongue. I didn't want Cinderpelt to come. Not yet.

_Are you snarling at me right now, Spottedleaf, wondering why Firestar gave you up for me?_

Yet another twinge, though even more painful. I let out a small gasp. Ferncloud wisely said nothing.

_Are you thinking about Spottedleaf right now, Firestar?_

I paced out of the den. The queens seemed to understand I would call them if I needed them.

_Are you wishing I was her?_

I couldn't imagine what life would be like without Firestar as my mate. If Firestar had never saved me that one day, in the battle by the gorge, and I still hated him...would Dustpelt be my mate?

_Are you thinking about Cinderpelt right now, Firestar?_

I didn't want to be Dustpelt's Ferncloud. Dustpelt protected Ferncloud at all costs. They barely ever did anything without each other. I wanted my freedom. Firestar tried to stop me, but he at least understood he couldn't.

_Are you wishing I was her?_

What would have happened, if Cinderpelt never became a medicine cat?

Would she have been my competition?

_Are you thinking all the same things I am?_

Firestar was _mine._

No medicine cat or dead medicine cat would take him away from me.

Mine.

_Mine._

No cats were around. A full spasm racked my body, and I found myself mute. Another spasm, and I fell to the ground, breathing heavily.

_Are you wishing, Firestar, that these kits were Spottedleaf's?_

Another huge spasm, and I found my voice. I screeched in agony. I couldn't believe how much it hurt.

_Are you wishing, Firestar, that these kits were Cinderpelt's?_

More spasms came, and I screeched so loud that my throat felt raw. How much it hurt! How much I wanted the pain to stop...

The queens came rushing out, and they helped me to my feet. I staggered to the mouth of the nursery, but yet another spasm, and I fell again, screeching. Firestar came bolting out of his den, gave me one fearful look, and shot through the ferns to Cinderpelt's den.

I got to my feet again and managed to get inside, where I collapsed, trembling and yowling in pain. It hurt, it hurt...

Everything else was a blur. All I remembered was so much pain, so much agony it was unimaginable. There was so much blood, and I knew I was going to die.

_Are you still wishing, Spottedleaf and Cinderpelt, that you were me?_

**That was kind of strange...and shorter. But anyway, review if you liked, flame if you don't, but please, use nice words, like "I didn't like it, and I don't think that should be like that" instead of "YOU BEEP! YOU BEEPIN' BEEP, WHY THE BEEP DID YOU DO THAT BEEP?! BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!" and such. Hey, I don't even know if I really like it myself. So...review/flame, I suppose.  
**


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